Discussions about intense topics can easily turn into a disagreement. If you add emotions and poor communication, the situation can easily become even more unproductive. In these situations, people often tell the other person that 'they're not listening'. That may very well be true. But psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania want to point out something: just because someone disagrees with us doesn't mean they're not listening.
“It is important for people to feel listened to in professional and personal communications, and yet they can feel unheard even when others have listened well. We propose that this feeling may arise because speakers conflate agreement with listening quality,” wrote the researchers.
Agree to disagree
In their recent study, the researchers examined the interactions of 3,396 adults in 11 conversation-focused experiments focused on various topics and mediums, such as face-to-face, text, and video. Some of the topics were quite controversial, such as free speech, police reform, and vaccine mandates. To isolate 'agreement' as the only variable, the researchers kept the listener's objective constant or manipulated it. For example, in some cases, the listener had to indicate whether they agreed with the speaker only after the conversation ended.
The researchers noticed that speakers often see listeners as more attentive if they agree with the speakers’ opinions, regardless of the actual quality of listening displayed.
For example, in one experiment where a hiring decision was simulated, speakers felt more understood and believed their listeners were more engaged when there was agreement with their hiring recommendations. A simple nod may be taken as good listening, even if the other person’s mind is on a completely different topic. On the other hand, speakers tended to assume that those who disagreed weren’t listening well.
“This effect seemed to emerge because speakers believe their views are correct, leading them to infer that a disagreeing listener must not have been listening very well. Indeed, it may be prohibitively difficul