Gary Barlow has talked about the death of his daughter and mentioned that he has been 'angry for a long time' about it.
The 53-year-old Take That singer spoke honestly in a recent conversation where he openly discussed his struggle with an eating disorder and the loss of his child just before his performance at the closing ceremony of the London Olympics.
Gary and his wife Dawn Andrews – whom he spoke about with admiration in the interview – tied the knot in 2000 and welcomed their son Daniel that year, Emily two years later, and Daisy in 2009. Their fourth child Poppy was born stillborn in August 2012.
At the time, a statement from the star's agent declared: 'Dawn and I are devastated to announce that we’ve lost our baby. Poppy Barlow was delivered stillborn on August 4 in London.
'Our focus now is giving her a beautiful funeral and loving our three children with all our hearts. We’d ask at this difficult time that our privacy be respected.'
Now, Gary has reflected on their family’s loss as he told The Imperfects podcast: 'I’ve been angry for a long time about that, I haven't really found peace with it yet.'
The Shine hitmaker admitted he doesn’t usually talk about this loss, as he’s not 'found peace' with it yet. He also doesn't usually work through problems by discussing them, but rather by expressing them through his music.
'I’ve got lots of music that keeps her alive on a nightly basis,' he said. 'When I see audiences singing along, that's the life for me.
'That’s what she brought and it’s here in front of me, and it happens a few times a week on stage, and that’s how I keep her close to me.'
Dawn is 'much stronger’ than Gary, he confessed, before explaining how, while this kind of event usually causes marriages to fall apart, it actually brought them closer together. His older two children still talk about Poppy.
'There was definitely a point when I wondered if we’d ever be back to where we were but I think we got there,' he said.
Elsewhere, Gary was full of love for his wife of 24 years, whom he called his 'saviour.'
'My happiest memory is the day we met,' he said. They met when Gary was working at a small independent record label, and he was making a video, while she was a dancer.
They crossed paths a few more times over the years at a Royal performance for Princess Margaret and at the Brit Awards, but they got together while she was a backing dancer on Take That’s Nobody Else tour in 1998.
Gary also talked about his eating disorder, which started when he tried to launch his solo career.
'I did a solo thing like Robbie did, his went gangbusters and mine sold like four copies. The first month of 1999 I didn’t have a record deal. And I was like I’m 25, where do I go from here,' he said. Gary turned to food to make him feel better, and put on lots of weight over a year.
'I thought I was very clever because nobody recognized me anymore. So I gained more weight. I was slowly destroying the popstar. It was amazing, I could walk anywhere,' he said.
However, in reality, there was 'so much sadness there,' he confessed. He started making himself sick and continued on this path for years.
'I would enjoy going out for Chinese, and within 20 minutes I had eaten so much that I couldn't feel anything anymore. But I thought it's great because I can get rid of it all when I get back,' he said.
No one, not even his wife, knew what he was doing for years.
'Every week I would think, Monday is the day. It’s going to stop,' he recalled. But it was a Wednesday when Gary stopped. He found an old pair of trainers in his drawer which reminded him of the past, and 'happier days'.
He wore them, went for a run and never made himself sick again.
'Something changed. I didn't run far. I couldn't. I felt great when I got back. I felt happy. I hadn't been happy for years,' Gary said.
While Dawn was 'bringing up the kids' Gary was trying to be the 'strong one'. He would cheerfully say he was 'off to the studio' but once there would have nothing to do.
'That darkness, that shadow on everything, affected kids' birthdays, my birthdays, Christmases. It was such a strange time,' he said.
While he is happier now and still running, Gary still struggles with his weight.
'I am conscious of it still. Every mouthful of food it stays with you,' he said.
